On Integration and Becoming

The string of events in the last few months that makes my life uniquely mine  continue at an amazing rate.   What others call ‘ecstatic experiences’ are, for me, quite normal.  Until, well, they are not. In An UnCommon Experience and On Fear and Stepping Up I shared two of my most striking ‘conversations with the universe’.

Two Tuesdays ago, I had the most profound yet.  Two Tuesdays ago I went for an hour massage. I walked out three and a half hours later with something much more. What follows is my attempt at putting something both surreal and very, very real in the only way I can.

After Ellen gave me a lecture about needing magnesium &  whatnot in the diet and said, “I’ve done all I can for your back now; roll over”, the room just ‘opened’ and filled with the most nearly-indescribable, amazing energies–100s of them and several ‘key’ ones that although didn’t speak to me were clearly identified instantaneously.

In that moment or however long it was, I ‘knew’ with striking clarity that what was with me was the presence & essence of each who has walked this path before me.  Again, although nothing was spoken, there was a clear message of who I am and what I’m to do.  Nothing needed to be said because I already knew.

For months I’ve been pushed/pulled to not necessarily name & claim or define for others all things me (although people keep asking for that & that’s how I sometimes interpret it) but to stand in it and move in it, in me.  I’ve been called out strikingly when afraid and pushed in more ways than one to move past the fear–primarily of what others will think of me and that of ‘lack’ (being afraid of not having enough $/food/fun/relationships).  I’ve known since last summer.

I’ve said before to a couple of people in my life that I’ve believed I’m walking an uncharted path.  In fact, others have come before me and though there may not be a Rand-McNally for it, the path is crystal clear. I’m continuing the ‘walk’ that others began–except in another time & space of things.   There are those that will think I’m not walking the walk their way because they cannot see.  I’ll not fit their boxes of who I am or should be in their view.  So be it.  I can’t be everything to everyone but I will BE. Again.

I don’t know how long the energetic experience my massage therapist and I shared lasted.  As I laid naked on a massage table, heart open, open eyes crying, breathing in a rhythm shared with the multitudes around me, each of them joined me in a way that cannot be put into words. The peace, strength, power, grace, compassion, ferocity, sublime serenity, and knowing merged.  Into One.  One who has work to do.  One who now knows beyond any shadow of doubt that she is not alone.  Over and over and over and over with increasing intensity and an unmistakable insistence “be.now.be.nowbenowbenowbenownownownownowiamnowiamnowiamNOW’ came through me. And in that merging, I emerged as one.

The energies dissipated with a message for me that moved through Ellen:

“Become NOW!  For in the light of the one we all become all that is.”

We both looked at each other, crying and without the capacity to say much of anything at all.  In fact, there wasn’t much to be said even later other than “Oh. Shit.” Knowing without having to say a thing that the time is now to own it & act on it.  So my string of ‘oh.shit’ moments has taken another leap, forcing me to move past my fear into action.  Or, moving in spite of the fear.

I am one of a handful of people who show up every now and again all over the world who have a job to inspire, lead, heal, change, stir the complacency shit-pot, share, love, piss-off, push, encourage, & connect in service to others.  This time I go by the name of Ingrid.

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