“As a child I felt myself to be alone, and I am still, because I know things and must hint at things which others apparently know nothing of, and for the most part do not want to know.”
― C.G. Jung
I was on the phone with a potential client last week and after she ran through some of the things she was seeking help with, I asked, “Why me? Why now?” Without hesitation she said, “You are the first person I’ve really connected with because, well, it just seems like you’re honest.” She went on to describe some personal encounters with other folks and stories of fleecing by spiritual types, men lying on dating sites, and other instances where she ‘just knew’ people were lying during conversations. An acquaintance and I had a similar discussion about passive-aggressive behavior and communication when direct, honest communication gets us to the point much more quickly–even if it’s something that doesn’t necessarily want to be heard by another (or conversely, said by us!). This was followed by an interaction with someone who wondered aloud if my ‘working with veterans, law enforcement and first responders for free’ was ‘a gimmick’ or advertising ‘teaser’ to garner attention.
Whoa. I mean, yay me, right? But, seriously, why does honesty seem like such an anomaly these days? Or are we just so jaded by all sorts of BS that the bullshit-o-meter is stuck on high?
Now, I’ll be the first to admit I’m not always honest. It’s my general way of being but I’m as human as the next person and will lie on occasion. Articles, books and movies abound about why we do that intentionally and without thought. For the most part, though, that was beaten out of me long ago. I’ll tell you up front if what you’re wearing is unflattering but in situations where I’m forced to express certain things, notsomuch. Ask me how I am on a bad day and if I think you’re going to introduce drama, I’ll say, “Fine.” I hedge what I tell others sometimes–particularly if they’re asking a ‘psychic’ kind of question–because when they ask questions of me they may not be prepared to hear what I have to say or their resistance may lead to an encounter I don’t have the energy for. Sometimes I’ll dance around the answer to lead them to it without saying it. Think of how much time I could save.
I’m also not honest about how I know myself to be. I’m afraid to put myself out there in the way I know I’m meant to. It’s one thing to read kitschy quotes placed on pretty pictures (especially those with Johnny Depp!) about not caring about what others think but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to really say fuck you to everyone around you. For me, the fear comes at several levels. First, I spent nearly my entire first two decades on the defense physically and emotionally. While in that state, I was sort of where I am now: needing to be seen, to be heard. That’s a lot of time spent being hurt and waiting for ‘it’ to come. As this gift of mine has unfolded for me, I’ve felt I’ve had to defend it and me to those around me or limit my expression of it
I’ve felt that I’m at a place in my life where I don’t think I can do that again. But I’m reminded again and again and again through ecstatic experience, visions, interactions with clients, the invisible & visible, that I can no longer play chicken. So, I’m making a choice to go balls-to-the wall and come out of my own little strange closet, so to speak.
My fear looks a little like this: I’m afraid of being abandoned by those left in my life. I’m afraid of nutjobs becoming too much to deal with. I hedge when people ask about the work I do. I deny how special what it and I do together is (and the fact that there is no ‘it and I’). I’m afraid that when someone cheers my ‘unconventional, inconvenient and unapologetic’ way that I will get caught up in the opposite. I’m afraid I’m really not prepared for this, that I’ll be in it all alone, that I’ll not be able to trust people who appear. In fact, I keep making up all sorts of stuff to be afraid of to, well, keep being afraid–to keep from being honest with myself first and the rest of the world.
I’m more afraid, though, of missing out on life by not claiming my role in it. In an instant-info age where folks try to out-spiritual one another, create hints and allegations of being THE second coming (neverminding the notion they don’t know what it really means), bash those who claim their power while sharing ‘that’ Marianne Williamson quote, shouting EGO when someone speaks truth as they know it, I’ve been afraid to join the babel. I’ve intentionally kept myself disappeared, even in sessions with people when miraculous events have taken place, denying that I know how and what I do because I’m afraid of feeling what I did as a child: being unseen or, in turn, being seen and either ignored entirely or beat back into ‘being disappeared’.
I’ve known that this healing gift-thing that magically showed up three years ago has purpose beyond what I could have formerly imagined but now need no imagination for. I’ve known that this form is not merely the deliverer of a message or healing or whatever the fuck this is since two and a half years ago an observer of a session watched me transform/disappear into light while I was standing in front of her. I’ve known since two Februarys ago that I was being called out to step into a role for which I made presumptions of being unprepared. And, I’ve been reminded gently and I’ve been reminded not-so-gently and have not acted upon those remembrances because I don’t know what to do about all of this. Although a path has been paved for eons to this point, it’s up to me to create the next bit of it and I don’t know what that means (okay, I kind of do but the mechanics of it escape me). I don’t know how to be it or in it. And, let’s face it, so many want to be the ‘expert’, to tell me how to do & be so when they can’t know it or me and want me to show up in the way their reliance on archetypes and other shit has previously defined how I show up. They try to wrap their language and labels around me to define (confine?) me in an understandable manner. Some are ridiculously certain that I have a message–particularly one they’re certain they want to hear! (I love how folks will ignore ‘messages’ that float around, or do the opposite and latch onto the latest-or oldest-and strangle the life out of it, then move onto the next rather than letting the message breathe life into them.) Some choose to deny and denigrate. Some choose to attach themselves to the things I say in a manner that I do not. Some see me. Most don’t. Any more, I care only inasmuch as it helps do this:
Here’s what I do know: I experience the world in a manner most cannot conceive of–I walk with the visible and invisible in the same manner with no need for pre-defined roles, names, associations, hierarchies, and bureaucracies. I experience the world as it is and appears before me. I am both mystic and part of the mystery of it all, beyond theories, philosophies, systems, blueprints, codes, myths & models. I cure cancer and other disease sometimes whether or not anyone believes it is possible. I bring to people spiritual enlightenment or awakening sometimes whether or not anyone believes it is possible. I do stupid human tricks (everyone believes this is possible!!) like everyone else but more than one heart beats within mine. I help other people shed pain, peel back layers, cut through cloaks and stories, and drop their veils. Now it’s time to drop mine. And I have no idea what this means in the day-to-day movement of life (although the big picture is ridiculously clear!) or what it will bring but my own time is now.
There are many like me all over the world. Some of us are in places in the world where they cannot express their own being for a variety of limitations. It behooves those of us without those limitations–like me–to stand up, claim it and start moving through the world as we are meant to without fear, without framing ourselves as another or in others projections to find acceptance, and start doing some shit. I’m choosing to do so in this manner. And move through the world as I was born to do. I will no longer hold myself back and sit in the back of the class. What has moved through me for nearly six years is this: “Before there was, I was.” I am meant to be here, my role is larger than anyone, including myself, could have known previously or possibly see now. I’m now going to own it, set my life so that I can know it and move through the world with it. This is my shift today.
For some perspective on how I’ve come to this take a peek at other posts from last October and the past two Februarys.
Peace in, kids!